When to Call it Quits

Updated: Mar 5

"Breaking up is so exciting, thrilling, and fulfilling" said no one ever! I cannot think of a single person who enjoys ending relationships of any kind. Sure, there may be a sense of relief and satisfaction after the breakup (if we are the initiator), but the active part of telling someone it's over is no fun.

Whether we are the initiator or recipient of a breakup, the conversation can make us feel awkward, nervous, sad, angry, and confused, and sometimes, it's all at the same time.

The simple fact that it is a relationship implies that we are close to these people. They are our friends and confidants. They are the people we are around. We've shared sweet moments with these people. They are the people we have cared for and have trusted to care for us. Despite all the feels we can experience in relationships, it is extremely important for us to notice when it's times to call it quits.

I have had to call it quits before. Honestly, I should have called it quits long before I officially ended things. Looking back now, I can see lots of red warning flags that were waving in the wind. I wished I had noticed them sooner. The truth is we can be so wrapped up in relationships that we miss the warning signs that are obvious and especially the ones that are subtle. This was the case for me. I cannot begin to list all the red flags, but there are two red flags that I think are essential for all of us to tuck away in our minds.

Red Flag #1: We become someone we are not.

We all know those people who become a completely different person not long after they begin a new relationship. We may look at them and think, “Who is that person…I’ve never met that person.” Maybe we have had close friends or family members where this has been the case. When it happens, we are left feeling confused, frustrated, or even grieved.

It is easy for us to notice a shift in other people, but it is much more difficult for us to see it in ourselves.

When we are in a relationship that leads to a significant shift in our personality, our desires, our dreams, and our interests, we need to check that.

It’s good to ask ourselves these questions:

  • Has my overall demeanor, character, or personality changed?

  • Has there been a change in my attitudes and behaviors?

  • Do I still care about and enjoy the things that have always been important to me (people, activities, interests)?

  • Are my values still valuable to me?

  • Are my values valued by my partner?

Why does this qualify as a warning flag? When we become someone we are not, it most often indicates that we are not being truthful on some level. We are lying to ourselves, lying to our partner, or lying to our friends and family about the person we really are. (Pro Tip: trusted friends and family can serve as wonderful eyes and ears in our relationships to see and hear things that we may not be seeing or hearing.) It can also indicate that we are changing ourselves for the sake of the relationship – to be accepted, to receive affection, to get attention. We all want to be accepted, receive affection, and get attention, but it should not be at the expense of becoming someone we are not.

Red Flag #2: We become an option, but our partner must become our priority.

Unfortunately, I have seen this over and over again.

A relationship consists of two individuals choosing to join each other’s lives. But, and it’s a big but, it does not mean that we can no longer remain an individual.

In a healthy relationship, we should still be able to hang out with our friends, go to the gym, go to a concert, or walk to the coffee shop for some alone time. If our partner attempts to control this part of our lives and not give us freedom, he or she doesn’t trust us or respect our individuality. Our partner wants our undivided attention. Our partner wants us to make him/her the priority of our lives. Our partner wants to know how we are utilizing all the seconds and minutes that make up our day.

Why is this a warning flag? It indicates control, and control has no place in a relationship. Control can lead to abuse, manipulation, deception, isolation, depression, anger, and the list could go on. It can also indicate unhealthy expectations that have not yet surfaced in the relationship but may come out in the future. This is more of what it looks like to become someone we are not. If we aren’t seeing this flag quite yet, we should really start to see it waving and flapping when, despite us making him/her our priority, our partner makes us the option. Our partner gets to enjoy freedom. Our partner gets to choose how he/she will spend time and who that time is spent with. Our partner doesn’t have to answer to us. Our partner becomes defensive when we challenge or push back on his/her actions. The priority and option dichotomy indicates a lack of equality in the relationship. It indicates that one of the partners desires or expects a superior role, leaving one of the roles to be inferior.

In a healthy relationship, both people should be trustworthy, and they are equally valuable, equally respected, and equally free. They know how to remain individuals, yet they also successfully have a life together.

Maybe you are in a relationship. Maybe you are not. If you are not, it is highly likely that at some point you will be. One of our hopes at Your Choices Randolph is to see women and men choose healthy relationships, and sometimes that means finding courage and confidence to make tough decisions. Sometimes it requires us to take notice of the red warning flags in our relationships, those that are gently waving (subtle and mild) and those that are vigorously flapping (extreme and loud). It’s our choice to continue a relationship or end it. The breakup isn’t enjoyable for any of us, but it’s my hope that we make the right, healthy choice when it’s time to call it quits.

Recent Posts

See All

How to Tell Him That You Are Pregnant

When you are in a committed relationship, planning your pregnancy announcement can be exciting and fun. However, if you were not planning to become pregnant, this moment can turn into a nerve-wracking

Let's Get In Touch

We are here for you. No question is too big or small, and no concern is out of our league. 


P: 336-629-9988 (Call or Text)


Business Hours

Open: 9am-5pm Monday - Friday

Closed: Saturday & Sunday

Copyright 2018  |  Your Choices Randolph

Design -

Your Choices Randolph respects the privacy of visitors to its website. Your Choices Randolph strongly believes that if electronic commerce and online activities are to flourish, consumers must be assured that information provided online is used responsibly and appropriately. To protect online privacy, Your Choices Randolph has implemented the following policy.



The information contained in this website is for general information purposes only. The information is provided by Your Choices Randolph and while we endeavor to keep the information up to date and correct, we make no representations or warranties of any kind, express or implied, about the completeness, accuracy, reliability, suitability or availability with respect to the website or the information, products, services, or related graphics contained on the website for any purpose. Any reliance you place on such information is therefore strictly at your own risk. In no event will we be liable for any loss or damage including without limitation, indirect or consequential loss or damage, or any loss or damage whatsoever arising from loss of data or profits arising out of, or in connection with, the use of this website.

Through this website you are able to link to other websites which are not under the control of Your Choices Randolph. We have no control over the nature, content and availability of those sites. The inclusion of any links does not necessarily imply a recommendation or endorse the views expressed within them. Every effort is made to keep the website up and running smoothly. However, Your Choices Randolph takes no responsibility for, and will not be liable for, the website being temporarily unavailable due to technical issues beyond our control.


About the Information We Collect

Most of the data and information we collect through our website is used only to help Your Choices Randolph achieve its mission. It is our policy to collect and store only personal information that our clients, donors and other stakeholders knowingly provide.

We do not collect any personal information from casual users browsing our website. When you use the public areas of our website you are doing so anonymously. We do collect aggregate use information, such as the number of hits (visits) per page. We use aggregate data for internal and marketing purposes, but we don't collect any personally identifying information.

If while visiting our website you order a product, register for an event, submit a technical assistance question, or request other information, you will be asked to provide certain information. In all cases, this information is submitted voluntarily. In most cases, we will ask that you provide your name, title, organization name, address, telephone, and email address. If you are making a purchase, you may be asked for credit card information in order to complete your purchase. Your Choices Randolph will follow any federal or state guidelines regarding the protection of your personal information. 

Our client list is not for sale. When you visit our website or become a client, your name and mailing information will not be sold to a commercial organization.



Cookies are small bits of code that are sent to your computer when you log-on to a website that allows us to identify you when you return to the site. Your Choices Randolph uses cookies only to support the operations of our shopping cart. We do not use cookies to track your usage or any other personal information about you.